Last night I had an important revelation about my inability to be vulnerable and accept emotional support. Although I am often a source of emotional support for others, for some reason I have always hated the fact that I need it as well. Or maybe that I need so much of it…I have felt starved in this way my entire life and because I knew the intentions of my loved ones, I chose to hate the emptiness inside me instead of hating them. But that’s a story for another time.
I realized I keep attracting romantic partners who don’t have the capacity to deliberately give me the emotional support I need because in truth, I don’t really want to be supported in that way. The same way I resented needing other kinds of support in the past, I still resent needing so much emotional support now. It’s something I have not accepted about myself. It’s something I don’t like about myself. It makes me feel like a burden. Someone who requires too much. And wants to give too much in order to compensate.
I resist accepting emotional support because I feel ashamed that I need it. I resist asking for emotional support because it makes me feel guilty; wanting it from people who don’t have the capacity to give me that. I keep attracting partners like this (I believe) in order to show me that simply wishing I didn’t need the support & trying to be okay with the way things are in order to accommodate my partner will never be truly satisfying for me.
And most importantly, for me to learn that I don’t have to feel bad about having these needs. It’s imperative that I accept and love this part of myself if I want others to. Even if I don’t necessarily want that from them, I admit that I do need it. What’s that old saying? You have to learn to want what you need. And if I’m going to have fulfilling life, I really do need that support from the people I’m romantically involved with.
So where do I go from here? While talking to my cousin about it earlier, she asked me “What are you going to do?”. I didn’t have a concrete answer. I don’t feel like I need to do anything at this time. Simply being aware of this is requiring a lot of contemplation and energy, just to cope with it. Whereas in the past I might have planned to set intentions, perform rituals and do energy work to try to fix myself, I don’t feel compelled to do any of that.
I feel that with this information, I now have a higher level of consciousness that will help me to make choices that get me closer to attaining the support I need. And it will be my decisions in those divinely orchestrated moments that determine how I move forward. I’ve prayed about it. I likely will pen some intentions and perhaps light some candles in gratitude for the assistance I’ve gotten and will continue to get.
But one thing this is teaching me is that I don’t have do anything special in order to deserve being whole and being loved. I can ask for what I need without feeling guilty because I am prepared to give what I can in return to a source that can benefit from the exchange as much as I can. I can love myself enough to allow myself to receive the desires of my heart. It’s a process. Day by day, I have to remind myself and practice opening my heart so that I can give and receive in the ways that are healthiest for me.
As I approach 2018, I’m deliberately opening up. To share more, receive more and allow my petals to breathe without being suffocated by fear and misunderstanding.
I’m ready to bloom.